Waiting to Exhale

“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” 

More than anything I’m ready to exhale. Ready to release all that I have built up inside of me. I’m ready to breathe again. One of the hardest things in life to deal with is learning how to fully forgive someone that has wronged you. How do you forgive the guy that cheated on you, the girl that lied to you, the father that left you, the mother that abandoned you? How do you truly let go?

Can I be completely honest for a second?….I woke up a few mornings ago and realized that I wasn’t over the hurt and pain that I endured during my last relationship. I was cheated on, lied to, made to feel less than worthy, etc. Almost every negative emotion you can endure, I went through with him. That has been TWO YEARS AGO! TWO. And you mean to tell me I’m still battling this? Why does it still bother me? *sigh* Because I have not fully forgiven him for what he has done. Better late than never for me to come to this realization, Right?
So in this post, I will explore what I personally feel the 3 hardest reasons why forgiving someone is so freaking hard to me in general and specifically with (him).
3. “I forgive you, but man I can’t believe you did that….”
When a person has wronged me I forgive them but let me tell you…I do NOT forget. I sometimes bring it up every chance I get just so they can fully understand how wrong I believe they were and how much they have hurt me.  But is that fair? Why would I say it’s over and that I forgive them, when all I’m going to do is constantly bring it up, causing more issues in the long run. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m “over it”, just to get mad every time I hear his name. I’m not saying to “Forgive and Forget”. I’m saying “Forgive and LET GO”. Move past it. Don’t stay stuck in that same position forever or you will be stuck in a world of unhappiness. (Trust me, I know. I’ve been single for two years because of it) 
2. “I just know you’ll do it again”….
Once a liar always a liar, right? Once a cheater always a cheater, right? Honestly, sometimes, yes. But do we treat everyone and every situation the same?
It’s already so hard for me to fully forgive and let go…then you tell me I need to TRUST you again too? Please. How am I suppose to do that? Learning to trust again is definitely the hardest act for me. That’s why I review actions more than anything. If a person keeps showing me that they will continuously hurt and lie to me, I have to let them go. But if I see true, genuine effort to rebuild our relationship and trust, I will stand by their side every step of the way. It will hurt and take some work, but I will be there for the ride. That’s what unconditional love is all about.
1. “Was it me? What did I do wrong?” 
This may seem silly, but for me, forgiving sometimes has a lot to do with what I feel my role was in the situation. For a while I blamed myself for the lies, the cheating, etc. Now don’t get me wrong, I definitely wasn’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean I deserved any of that.  I go through this cycle where I blame myself then I turn around and say, “Nah F*** that, it was him”…he should be the one to blame. I go through this constant battle in my head all the time. Not realizing how detrimental it is to my healing process. I can’t blame myself for other people’s wrong doings. I can only realize my role and forgive myself for only MY actions. And even if they don’t apologize, I still should forgive. Not for them…but for me.
So there you have it. 3 reasons why forgiving someone is so hard for me to do. Writing this post is helping me sort out my emotions and preparing me to battle my issues head on. If you are dealing with issues of unforgivieness I challenge you to really take a look into yourself and the situations and figure out how to get through it and the reasons that it’s held you back for so long. Remember how good it will feel to finally breathe without that excess weight on your shoulders. To finally exhale all that pain and hurt you feel and to be FREE! Free of the burden that unforgivieness causes. I can’t wait to exhale. What about you?
As always, remember, “As I minister to you, I minister to myself.” 
 
With Love, 
B
 
*Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)* 

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