“How can I forget the hurt you’ve caused me, when I still have the scars to remind me of the pain?”
I wish they were bruises, because bruises fade. They heal, and you never have to see them again and eventually you forget about them and how they even came about. But scars….Scars are with you forever. They live inside or outside of you and often makes you dwell on the pain and serves as a constant reminder of what you endured, how you endured it and how much pain you felt at that very moment.
For a very long time I felt I wasn’t worth having anyone to love me unconditionally and treat me right. After he left me, I felt empty. I gave him all of me, and because I did that I had absolutely nothing left. I had a heart that wanted to love again, but was afraid of the same ol’ cycle happening.
I couldn’t dare allow myself to be hurt so much again so I ran. I ran from anything good so that I wouldn’t have the chance to come up on something bad.
I made horrible choices. Slept with men just for the satisfaction of saying that on that specific night, I didn’t have to sleep alone. Knowing that I had no real feelings for these guys, I allowed myself to be used for a meaningless 2 minute screw that ended up doing nothing more than making me feel like crap after it was all said and done. Not knowing that I was still, in a sense, “picking at my scar” and making it all 10 times worse.
For every man I gave my body to I lost a piece of my soul. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t out there laying down with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, I just have a few instances that I’m surely not proud of and I don’t mind sharing my shortcomings with yall. Ok…now that my disclaimer is out of the way I can get back to the story lol…….I was losing a piece of Bridge every time I layed down with a guy. My self worth was in question. I acted like the most confident girl, but deep down inside, I couldn’t stand the person I had to face in the mirror each day. I was never good enough for myself, but for some reason I got mad because I felt I wasn’t good enough for a man that probably didn’t care much about me anyways. I felt I was scarred and broken and waiting on someone else to pick up the pieces. Not knowing or really not believing that God had already equipped me with everything I needed to restore the negative feelings I had inside.
I wouldn’t be keeping it real if I didn’t tell yall that till this day I still struggle. Constantly asking myself questions like, “Why her and not me?”, “Why does she get the relationship, while you just wanted sex from me”. “Why did you let me put so much into “this” just to leave me in the end.” Anyone will tell you that I am OBSESSED with love and anything that has to do with it. Love movies, love stories, love songs, I just LOVE LOVE. And the fact that I don’t have someone to call my own, troubles me at times.
The more I search for answers, the more distraught I become. Always wondering when I will be next. When it will be my turn. Not even fully focusing on the fact that I’m not fully “healed”. Thankfully, I’m now beginning to realize that if I still hold on to that pain that I will never be 100% happy in any relationship that may come my way. If I don’t have SELF LOVE then I won’t be able to fully accept anyone who offers their love to me. I realized that I have to change the way I look at this. So I charge myself and anyone else looking at their “scars” as a reminder of pain to start thinking of it as a reminder of how far you’ve come despite all that you have endured. If you guys have been following me you know my life hasn’t been filled with cupcakes and roses all around these last 2 years. I’ve had a plethora of stormy days that in turn led me to my rainbows. I’ve come a long way and I desperately want to experience love again. And I’m sure you do too, but before WE do, WE have to be ready.
As I minister to you, I minister to myself.