The constant flow of tears that left my eyes Sunday morning was unexpected, but more importantly, it was needed. For a while I’ve been feeling suffocated by my worries, smothered by my thoughts, and asphyxiated by my problems. They have taken over my life. I completely lost control. Or failed to realize who was in it. See I’ve never been afraid to admit my short comings or even the negative things that are going on in my life. But I’ve held so much in that I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe. Ya know, like I’ve been “waiting to exhale.” Waiting to just relax and let go of fear and worry instead of living by it each day.
I feel like I’m in constant battle with the devil and I’m not prepared for war. Like I know that “this battle is not mine, it’s the Lords”, but I often find myself asking if God can hear me. Even when I don’t pray, does my constant flow of tears reach him? I mean it’s tough feeling alone.
During church service, one of the ministries danced to “Take Me to the King”, by Tamela Mann and it was the first time I actually listened to the song. Let me tell you that the story of my life was in the words of the song. I felt tired and like there was nothing that I could do about it. I felt weak with entirely no strength to fight and I continued to question whether or not God could hear my cry.
I soon realized why I felt this way. I don’t pray like I should. I don’t read my bible like I should. My relationship with God is present only because he promised to never leave me. But I’ve honestly been treating him like an “option” or like he is “2nd place”. Not purposely, but I admit that it’s been happening. I mean, how can I expect God to hear me when I won’t allow my heart to speak to him or when I don’t open up my heart to receive him. I try to live life alone. Barely even asking family for help. And when things are going good in my life, I don’t thank God like I should. I go to him mostly when I’m at my wits end and things have gone terribly wrong. Just think if I actually let him order my steps the entire way. This pain and misery is sometimes something I bring on myself by just not believing or trusting in God and his word. Faith is what you call it. I haven’t been exercising my faith.
So now what?……Do I just talk about all the wrong I’ve done with no intention to change? Do I keep placing myself in these same situations and wish for a different outcome? Or do I take action and change my life to be one that’s of God? I feel personally that change is necessary. And I have to be the one to do it. I can’t rely on my family, my pastor, or anyone else that has been praying for me. Lord I need you and I want you to walk with me and guide my steps. So I end this message with one of the most powerful prayers that I personally connect to. A Prayer from David;
“Hear me, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me. (Psalm 86:1-7 NIV)…….Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. (Psalm 86:11-12 NIV)
And always remember, as I minister to you, I minister to myself.