Facing My Reality (2012… The Year I Lost Myself pt 2)

Am I dreaming?

Ok Bridge, let’s go back to sleep and wake up and try this all over again.

Ummmm, Somebody just pinch me please because this can’t be happening.

 Did my worst nightmare just become my reality? Is it really…OVER

Honestly, I couldn’t believe it. After 4 years, it was finally over. Done. No more me and him. I felt my life was breaking down into tiny pieces right before my eyes. And I just knew there was no way I could put it back together. I felt so alone. I needed him. I couldn’t live without him. I mean, I didn’t want to live without him. I wasn’t ready for this. Not prepared for this at all.

What would my life be without him? No more dates, no more late conversations, no more saying “I love you and I miss you” almost every day. No more kisses, and being held at night, etc. It was really over and I had absolutely no idea how I was going to move forward.

In April, my pastor preached a sermon about “Healing After Divorce” where he spoke about, in detail, the 5 Stages of Grief. The 5 stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages experienced when a person is enduring keen mental suffering or distress over a loss. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although I hadn’t come out of a divorce I strongly related to his message. 

The first stage is Denial. Whew. My how I was in denial. My mind honestly would not let me believe that it was over. I was numb. Extremely numb. “Oh, he’ll be back. He’s just mad or whatever. He’ll get over it.” I told myself this for a very long time. It was my way of “dealing with it easier”. Even though I was heavily in denial, part of me knew the truth. I knew deeeep down in my heart that it was over. And once I realized that, I stomped my way into the second stage of grief, Anger

I was honestly mad at him and at the world. Wait, I don’t think mad can describe the way I felt. I HATED him. Everything about him and the situation, I absolutely loathed. I called him, texted him, left crazy messages just so he knew how much I hated him and how upset and hurt I was. But, everything remained the same. We still weren’t together. He still had broken up with me. I was still….single. 

“Ok babe, if you come back to me I promise to do whatever you want me to. I just want to make it work. I’ll stop calling so much, I promise to stop my nagging, I’ll do WHATEVER it takes. Just take me back please. PLEASE.” I begged and pleaded with him and God often. “God, I promise if you bring him back into my life I will do right by him. And right by you. Seriously, God, like I won’t ask you for anything else. Just do this one thing for me.” Hmph. Once you finally accept the situation and get over your “Angry” phase, you begin Bargaining. I will do “this” if you do “this”. Bargaining only led to more heart ache and it made it more difficult to get over what was happening.   

He wasn’t having it. We couldn’t and wouldn’t be back with each other and I finally realized it. All of my emotions were brought into the present time and I was forced to face my situation. And when I did, Depression snuck up on me. I couldn’t eat, nor sleep. I always wanted to be left alone. I had absolutely no desire to do anything. As my reality was getting more and more clearer, my depression was only getting worse. I blamed myself for everything. “If only I were a better girlfriend…” This stage was the hardest stage to come out of. And I honestly stayed here for a year. BUT GOD…

It was a long time coming, but I finally reached the stage of Acceptance. Now this by no means, meant that I was “ok” with the situation. I seriously just got to the point where I accepted my reality. Me and him were not together and were not going to be. And I was perfectly fine with that. After I stop beating myself up over it and honestly forgave myself, I began to forgive him. Which is one of the most important acts in the “acceptance stage”.  Now I know it may seem like it was a smooth journey throughout these 5 stages, but it was honestly the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life. I often found myself going back and forth between stages. I would go from bargaining to denial again in no time. I was at certain stages longer than others. My journey was filled with tears, many many tears. But Sooo many lessons. By the Grace of God, through my praying family and friends I got to the point of Acceptance. I could have never made it to this stage without Him. He delivered me from the lowest point of my life and I am so thankful for that. God showed me my true beauty and my worth. It took me almost 2 years to reach this point. And some things I still struggle with but One thing is know is that I’m just fine. 

My message to anyone going through a breakup right now to pray and trust God to deliver you from the pain and heartache. Don’t blame yourself. In order for it to be your fault, that would mean that you were in control of your life and the situation in the beginning and we all know that’s not true. God will remove people from your life and you may not ever understand why. You have to trust his will and know he wants what’s best for you. Learn as many lessons as you can about yourself and what you want in life. Take this time out to embrace your singleness. Love yourself, love others, and trust God. He will always hold your hand throughout your storm. And what a beautiful sight to see when the rainbow finally comes. ☺️ 

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