Facing My Reality (2012… The Year I Lost Myself pt 2)

Am I dreaming?

Ok Bridge, let’s go back to sleep and wake up and try this all over again.

Ummmm, Somebody just pinch me please because this can’t be happening.

 Did my worst nightmare just become my reality? Is it really…OVER

Honestly, I couldn’t believe it. After 4 years, it was finally over. Done. No more me and him. I felt my life was breaking down into tiny pieces right before my eyes. And I just knew there was no way I could put it back together. I felt so alone. I needed him. I couldn’t live without him. I mean, I didn’t want to live without him. I wasn’t ready for this. Not prepared for this at all.

What would my life be without him? No more dates, no more late conversations, no more saying “I love you and I miss you” almost every day. No more kisses, and being held at night, etc. It was really over and I had absolutely no idea how I was going to move forward.

In April, my pastor preached a sermon about “Healing After Divorce” where he spoke about, in detail, the 5 Stages of Grief. The 5 stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages experienced when a person is enduring keen mental suffering or distress over a loss. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although I hadn’t come out of a divorce I strongly related to his message. 

The first stage is Denial. Whew. My how I was in denial. My mind honestly would not let me believe that it was over. I was numb. Extremely numb. “Oh, he’ll be back. He’s just mad or whatever. He’ll get over it.” I told myself this for a very long time. It was my way of “dealing with it easier”. Even though I was heavily in denial, part of me knew the truth. I knew deeeep down in my heart that it was over. And once I realized that, I stomped my way into the second stage of grief, Anger

I was honestly mad at him and at the world. Wait, I don’t think mad can describe the way I felt. I HATED him. Everything about him and the situation, I absolutely loathed. I called him, texted him, left crazy messages just so he knew how much I hated him and how upset and hurt I was. But, everything remained the same. We still weren’t together. He still had broken up with me. I was still….single. 

“Ok babe, if you come back to me I promise to do whatever you want me to. I just want to make it work. I’ll stop calling so much, I promise to stop my nagging, I’ll do WHATEVER it takes. Just take me back please. PLEASE.” I begged and pleaded with him and God often. “God, I promise if you bring him back into my life I will do right by him. And right by you. Seriously, God, like I won’t ask you for anything else. Just do this one thing for me.” Hmph. Once you finally accept the situation and get over your “Angry” phase, you begin Bargaining. I will do “this” if you do “this”. Bargaining only led to more heart ache and it made it more difficult to get over what was happening.   

He wasn’t having it. We couldn’t and wouldn’t be back with each other and I finally realized it. All of my emotions were brought into the present time and I was forced to face my situation. And when I did, Depression snuck up on me. I couldn’t eat, nor sleep. I always wanted to be left alone. I had absolutely no desire to do anything. As my reality was getting more and more clearer, my depression was only getting worse. I blamed myself for everything. “If only I were a better girlfriend…” This stage was the hardest stage to come out of. And I honestly stayed here for a year. BUT GOD…

It was a long time coming, but I finally reached the stage of Acceptance. Now this by no means, meant that I was “ok” with the situation. I seriously just got to the point where I accepted my reality. Me and him were not together and were not going to be. And I was perfectly fine with that. After I stop beating myself up over it and honestly forgave myself, I began to forgive him. Which is one of the most important acts in the “acceptance stage”.  Now I know it may seem like it was a smooth journey throughout these 5 stages, but it was honestly the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life. I often found myself going back and forth between stages. I would go from bargaining to denial again in no time. I was at certain stages longer than others. My journey was filled with tears, many many tears. But Sooo many lessons. By the Grace of God, through my praying family and friends I got to the point of Acceptance. I could have never made it to this stage without Him. He delivered me from the lowest point of my life and I am so thankful for that. God showed me my true beauty and my worth. It took me almost 2 years to reach this point. And some things I still struggle with but One thing is know is that I’m just fine. 

My message to anyone going through a breakup right now to pray and trust God to deliver you from the pain and heartache. Don’t blame yourself. In order for it to be your fault, that would mean that you were in control of your life and the situation in the beginning and we all know that’s not true. God will remove people from your life and you may not ever understand why. You have to trust his will and know he wants what’s best for you. Learn as many lessons as you can about yourself and what you want in life. Take this time out to embrace your singleness. Love yourself, love others, and trust God. He will always hold your hand throughout your storm. And what a beautiful sight to see when the rainbow finally comes. ☺️ 

12:54am

The first poem I wrote after not writing for over 10 years.

The Imperfect Girl

These hours were made for me. My mind just flows to a place away from the reality of the world and I begin to dream with my eyes wide open.
All I can think about is your big, husky arms around me.
We slowly take a trip to the bed, you gently lay me down, and place your warm lips against mine.
You’re whispering in my ear all the things you want to do to me. It’s beautiful.
It’s not just an act for you.
You want to give me an experience.
You want nothing more than to explore my body, making sure that every single inch is touched and pleased to perfection.
You place my pleasure above your own needs and when I moan, and scream, and scratch, and pull, you soon realize that you’re giving me everything I’ve wanted, and needed, and baby so much more.
You’re not…

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Mental Health Friday #4

So honored for my story to have been featured on Ameena’s blog under her “Mental Health Fridays” section. Her website has a lot of great content and she is an advocate for Mental Health just like me. 🙂 Please check it out! 🙂

Randoms by a Random

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Have you ever felt like you were at the end of your rope? You just couldn’t take it anymore. You didn’t want to talk to anyone, be around anyone, and even form your brain to think about anyone. All you could think about was the extreme feelings of sadness you felt about yourself and your life. You experienced something that brought you down soooo low, you never thought you would be able to come out of it. Two years ago that was me. With the death of my mother and the ending of my long term relationship; those thoughts ran through my mind every day and night.

Heart racing. Shortness of breath. Tears beginning to well up in my eyes. Body feeling numb…every 3 to 4 hours the cycle happens all over again. I lay there trying to control myself, counting back and forth from 1-50… “1..2..3..4..5…….50…49..48..47..46”, praying that…

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Scarred, but Not Broken

“How can I forget the hurt you’ve caused me, when I still have the scars to remind me of the pain?”
I wish they were bruises, because bruises fade. They heal, and you never have to see them again and eventually you forget about them and how they even came about. But scars….Scars are with you forever. They live inside or outside of you and often makes you dwell on the pain and serves as a constant reminder of what you endured, how you endured it and how much pain you felt at that very moment.
For a very long time I felt I wasn’t worth having anyone to love me unconditionally and treat me right. After he left me, I felt empty. I gave him all of me, and because I did that I had absolutely nothing left. I had a heart that wanted to love again, but was afraid of the same ol’ cycle happening.
I couldn’t dare allow myself to be hurt so much again so I ran. I ran from anything good so that I wouldn’t have the chance to come up on something bad.
I made horrible choices. Slept with men just for the satisfaction of saying that on that specific night, I didn’t have to sleep alone. Knowing that I had no real feelings for these guys, I allowed myself to be used for a meaningless 2 minute screw that ended up doing nothing more than making me feel like crap after it was all said and done. Not knowing that I was still, in a sense, “picking at my scar” and making it all 10 times worse.
For every man I gave my body to I lost a piece of my soul. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t out there laying down with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, I just have a few instances that I’m surely not proud of and I don’t mind sharing my shortcomings with yall. Ok…now that my disclaimer is out of the way I can get back to the story lol…….I was losing a piece of Bridge every time I layed down with a guy. My self worth was in question. I acted like the most confident girl, but deep down inside, I couldn’t stand the person I had to face in the mirror each day. I was never good enough for myself, but for some reason I got mad because I felt I wasn’t good enough for a man that probably didn’t care much about me anyways. I felt I was scarred and broken and waiting on someone else to pick up the pieces. Not knowing or really not believing that God had already equipped me with everything I needed to restore the negative feelings I had inside.
I wouldn’t be keeping it real if I didn’t tell yall that till this day I still struggle. Constantly asking myself questions like, “Why her and not me?”, “Why does she get the relationship, while you just wanted sex from me”. “Why did you let me put so much into “this” just to leave me in the end.” Anyone will tell you that I am OBSESSED with love and anything that has to do with it. Love movies, love stories, love songs, I just LOVE LOVE. And the fact that I don’t have someone to call my own, troubles me at times.
The more I search for answers, the more distraught I become. Always wondering when I will be next. When it will be my turn. Not even fully focusing on the fact that I’m not fully “healed”. Thankfully, I’m now beginning to realize that if I still hold on to that pain that I will never be 100% happy in any relationship that may come my way.  If I don’t have SELF LOVE then I won’t be able to fully accept anyone who offers their love to me. I realized that I have to change the way I look at this. So I charge myself and anyone else looking at their “scars” as a reminder of pain to start thinking of it as a reminder of how far you’ve come despite all that you have endured. If you guys have been following me you know my life hasn’t been filled with cupcakes and roses all around these last 2 years. I’ve had a plethora of stormy days that in turn led me to my rainbows. I’ve come a long way and I desperately want to experience love again. And I’m sure you do too, but before WE do, WE have to be ready.
As I minister to you, I minister to myself. 
With Love, 
B