One Rainy Morning: A Collaboration

Lord I cannot see you through these dark skies…
I have bags under my eyes, but it is no surprise.
I know I gotta get up when that sun rise to avoid depression from hard times…
Avoid metaphorical drowning from these overbearing riptides…
Lord I know you are there
but I can’t see you through these
dark, dark, skies….
But then I start to open my eyes
And suddenly I realize
That through my heart, you hear my cries.
And my weary comes as no surprise
No I can’t see through these dark, dark skies
But just know my faith within you lies
I know soon sunshine will arise
and the rainbow will be with no disguise
And I will dry my weeping eyes
and forget about those
dark, dark, skies.

Thank you so much, Dom for allowing me to collaborate with you on this piece. It really hit home and touched my heart as well as the hearts of others. I look forward to working with you more in the future.-B

And then I realized…..This Is Why We’re Here 9.7.15

compassion-faith-hope-blue

So as many of you know, I work in a mental health hospital and sometimes it get’s kind of rough. I don’t deal directly with the patients, but I have the luxury (which can really not be so luxurious) of knowing exactly why most patients were admitted. We have patients that are depressed, anxious, suicidal, homicidal, psychotic, etc. Children from broken homes, in foster care, children that have been abused physically, emotionally, and sexually that will never quite “get over” their pain. Just people from a array of different background and lifestyles that sometimes break your heart.

I have been working in the mental health field for about 2 years now and even though I hear a lot of stories…I try to make sure they don’t affect me personally. And even though, I can empathize with the patient’s I make sure that I don’t internalize with each situation. Until a few days ago……

I cried while reading a group therapy note from one of the therapists. Like real deal tears. I don’t know why the story of this kid affected me so much but it did. What was even more wonderful was the comfort and peace that was given to him by the other patient’s in the room. This adolescent boy had experienced a great amount of trauma for years, with his perpetrator being a family member. He had been holding in so much, for so long and it was affecting him and his entire life. The therapist told him, that when he was ready, he should open up and let out his emotions regarding his abuse. When he felt that he was comfortable and was in a safe place. He asked if he could express it now. Wow. His safe place was right there in that room amongst strangers…That is saying so much about the therapist as well as the hospital. His tears flowed through his eyes like an ocean as he told his story. Uncontrollably. And after he was done, he began to repeat a couple of mantras to himself….

“I am enough.”…”This is not my fault”…”This does not define me.” 

And at that very moment, I realized why we are here. Why this profession is so important. At that moment, in a place where darkness surrounds us most days, I saw a ray of light. And my soul felt at peace. No his story isn’t over. No, he is not done healing from his past. But he has, in a sense accepted and started to understand that he was not at fault and that he will grow from this and get past it. I am so blessed to be in a place that offers help to so many people. Dealing with mental health issues, abuse, trauma, etc is not at all easy. So having people help others to get through that is amazing and a blessing. That patient and his story will forever be in my heart.

So anyone working in the field of mental health, I love and appreciate you and I thank you for everything that you do.

Love,

B

The Voice Inside My Head

Have you ever felt like you were at the end of your rope? You just couldn’t take anymore. You didn’t want to talk to anyone, be around anyone, and even form your brain to think about anyone. All you could think about was the extreme feelings of sadness you felt about yourself and your life. You experienced something that brought you down soooo low that you never thought you would be able to come out of it. Two years ago that was me. With the death of my mother and the ending of my long term relationship; those thoughts ran through my mind every day and night.

Heart racing. Shortness of breath. Tears beginning to well up in my eyes. Body feeling numb…every 3 to 4 hours the cycle happens all over again. I lay there trying to control myself, counting back and forth from 1-50… “1..2..3..4..5…….50…49..48..47..46”, praying that I will soon fall back asleep. Crying my eyes out sometimes because I can’t. When I finally wake up in the morning, the feelings I have are no better. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to get up. This little voice in my head keeps telling me, “It’s not worth it. You’re just. Not. Worth. It.”

The moment when I realized that I believed that “little voice in my head”, is when I knew something was wrong with me. It wasn’t until one horrible day that I was forced to do something about it. The devil saw fit to ease his way in my thoughts and it went downhill from there. As I walked down Alcoa Road one Friday evening, I begin to have thoughts that I’ve never had before. I was tired. Tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of feeling alone. I start really thinking about the most painless way to end this all. Again, I. Was. Tired. My life was no longer important to me and I began to speak so much negativity over myself while devising a plan in my head. In the middle of all of that, I recieved a phone call from one of my sorority sisters. After ignoring the phone call 3 times I finally answered.

“Hello”
“Hey Bridge. What’s going on? Are you ok? I was just calling to check on you.”
“Yes, I’m fine”
“Bridge, you don’t sound fine. Are you ok?”
*hangs up phone*

I turned my phone off and cried my heart out for 15 minutes. Thoughts still pounding at my soul. Called her back and told her, “No. No, I’m not ok.” I ended up telling her everything that happened. All of the thoughts that were running through my head and how I felt inside. She told me to go to the doctor, but I refused. I worked at a psychiatric hospital and no one was about to call me crazy. I wasn’t having it. But after all of her begging and pleading I made an appointment and went to see the therapist and psychiatrist the next day.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder as well as Anxiety disorder. Prescribed Celexa and Xanax. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want them to think I was “Crazy” or that I had a problem. But I learned that people suffer from these disorders every day and they don’t recieve help because of the same reasons I didn’t want to. Afraid of what others would think. Like I said before, I worked at a mental health hospital so I experienced it every day, but I refused to be one of “them”.

I was skeptical about even writing this blog post because I didn’t want people to judge me. But there are SO many people suffering from mental illnesses and they are slowly dying on the inside each day. So if this reaches ONE person then I know I’ve done my job.

Last but not least, If you’re reading this and are suffering from what you think may be depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc, or knows someone who you believe may be, PLEASE GET HELP. If you don’t know where to go I will help you find the resources you need and hold your hand until you get the help you deserve. I admit that I still battle with these issues, every…single…day. But through God and my amazing support system, I am 1000x’s better than what I was. Don’t allow that “voice in your head” to rule over your life and make you feel less than important. Less than worth it. Less than deserving. You are a Child of God and you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Believe that with all your heart. I sure do.

This post was made with love overflowing from my heart to yours. God loves you. And I do too.

Love,

B

1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline