The Voice Inside My Head

Have you ever felt like you were at the end of your rope? You just couldn’t take anymore. You didn’t want to talk to anyone, be around anyone, and even form your brain to think about anyone. All you could think about was the extreme feelings of sadness you felt about yourself and your life. You experienced something that brought you down soooo low that you never thought you would be able to come out of it. Two years ago that was me. With the death of my mother and the ending of my long term relationship; those thoughts ran through my mind every day and night.

Heart racing. Shortness of breath. Tears beginning to well up in my eyes. Body feeling numb…every 3 to 4 hours the cycle happens all over again. I lay there trying to control myself, counting back and forth from 1-50… “1..2..3..4..5…….50…49..48..47..46”, praying that I will soon fall back asleep. Crying my eyes out sometimes because I can’t. When I finally wake up in the morning, the feelings I have are no better. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to get up. This little voice in my head keeps telling me, “It’s not worth it. You’re just. Not. Worth. It.”

The moment when I realized that I believed that “little voice in my head”, is when I knew something was wrong with me. It wasn’t until one horrible day that I was forced to do something about it. The devil saw fit to ease his way in my thoughts and it went downhill from there. As I walked down Alcoa Road one Friday evening, I begin to have thoughts that I’ve never had before. I was tired. Tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of feeling alone. I start really thinking about the most painless way to end this all. Again, I. Was. Tired. My life was no longer important to me and I began to speak so much negativity over myself while devising a plan in my head. In the middle of all of that, I recieved a phone call from one of my sorority sisters. After ignoring the phone call 3 times I finally answered.

“Hello”
“Hey Bridge. What’s going on? Are you ok? I was just calling to check on you.”
“Yes, I’m fine”
“Bridge, you don’t sound fine. Are you ok?”
*hangs up phone*

I turned my phone off and cried my heart out for 15 minutes. Thoughts still pounding at my soul. Called her back and told her, “No. No, I’m not ok.” I ended up telling her everything that happened. All of the thoughts that were running through my head and how I felt inside. She told me to go to the doctor, but I refused. I worked at a psychiatric hospital and no one was about to call me crazy. I wasn’t having it. But after all of her begging and pleading I made an appointment and went to see the therapist and psychiatrist the next day.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder as well as Anxiety disorder. Prescribed Celexa and Xanax. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want them to think I was “Crazy” or that I had a problem. But I learned that people suffer from these disorders every day and they don’t recieve help because of the same reasons I didn’t want to. Afraid of what others would think. Like I said before, I worked at a mental health hospital so I experienced it every day, but I refused to be one of “them”.

I was skeptical about even writing this blog post because I didn’t want people to judge me. But there are SO many people suffering from mental illnesses and they are slowly dying on the inside each day. So if this reaches ONE person then I know I’ve done my job.

Last but not least, If you’re reading this and are suffering from what you think may be depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc, or knows someone who you believe may be, PLEASE GET HELP. If you don’t know where to go I will help you find the resources you need and hold your hand until you get the help you deserve. I admit that I still battle with these issues, every…single…day. But through God and my amazing support system, I am 1000x’s better than what I was. Don’t allow that “voice in your head” to rule over your life and make you feel less than important. Less than worth it. Less than deserving. You are a Child of God and you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Believe that with all your heart. I sure do.

This post was made with love overflowing from my heart to yours. God loves you. And I do too.

Love,

B

1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Meet Jessica Ayers

Ever meet someone and instantly feel inspired? The way they walk, talk, and everything in between just draws you to them? Well that happened to me about a year ago when I joined Uplift Concord, the Young Adult ministry with Concord Church in Dallas, TX. So I want you all to meet Jessica Ayers; my 2nd Sister With Vision….

Sooooo….Tell me a little about yourself.

Ha! That’s a loaded question. Let’s see…I’m a wildly, passionate creative spirit who enjoys living out loud. My goal in life is for someone to hear my story and either learn from my mistakes or to be encouraged by them. I will (and do) share some of the most intimate parts of my life with people in hopes that they are inspired and in turn decide to live the best versions of their lives, whatever that may be. The arts are like a drug to me. I’m insanely inspired by people and their creations. Whether it be spoken word, a song they wrote or them just going after their dreams. I draw strength from their passion and it is my hope that I return the gift.

Have you ever dealt with insecurities? If so, how did you overcome them? jessfullbody

I most definitely have and continue to do so. Life is an evolution of self, so I don’t think that there will ever be a point in my life that I’m not insecure about one thing or another. As you mature through time and experiences you are either freed from those insecurities or bound by them. The deciding factor is how you and/or who you choose to handle them. If I hadn’t made the choice to seek a relationship with God, I could never have been loosed from the grips of certain self-esteem issues. I was carrying around insecurities from my childhood like my height, my weight, my shoe size, etc. All of those things, I have no control over (well maybe my weight but that’s a whole nother battle). They are forever a part of me. However, after reading God’s word and recognizing the complexities and the beauty that goes into making the human body; it has helped me to not only repair my esteem but to be proud of who I am. Every lump, bump and curve. Knowing that my big feet are “beautifully and wonderfully made” helps in the self-love process. He chose everything from my DNA strands to the hair follicles on my head. Who am I to say He got it wrong? And if everything is working together for His good, then I know that who I am both physically and spiritually is serving a purpose greater than anything I could every perceive. With all of that said, I would be remiss if I didn’t say that I still have to make a concerted effort in choosing to love myself daily. I literally chant to myself every morning that I am beautiful. It helps. I even thought about being Mary Jane Paul and sticking post-it notes all over my house. LOL. The struggle is real.

What does being “Perfectly Imperfect” mean to you?

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Perfectly imperfect means being the most authentic version of you. “Flaws” and all. Loving every inch of you. Your crooked teeth, your knocked knees, your lisp, your “nappy” hair. All of it. Imperfection is the most beautiful sight to see when you own it. I love to see a confident woman. She doesn’t have to be a 10 or be dressed a certain way or drive a certain car etc. Because the exterior is not the draw. It’s her soul. And you know when her soul’s right because it just radiates. It’s those times when you can’t put a finger on it; it’s just something about her. That is what I strive to be daily. So comfortable with who I am and in living my truth that I just become contagious. I want to infect people. I want them to be so affected by the God in me that they are never the same. Being perfectly imperfect means that you’ve allowed God to fill the voids. It’s a beautiful thing.

If you had the chance, what would be one thing you would tell a young girl dealing with low self esteem or insecurities?

1) Take every thought captive. What you think, is what you do, is who you are. Don’t let it get that far. 2) Spend time with God every chance you get. When you’re having those thoughts, call on him. It doesn’t have to be anything formal. Just talk to Him. He will answer. 3) Evaluate your circle and get a mentor. Someone who inspires you. Allow your mentor and your inner circle to pour into you. Let them know your weaknesses. Talk to them about your struggles because talking things out helps. The best form of ammunition for malnourished thoughts is alone time. Because when you’re alone and not talking to God…it’s as if you’ve stepped onto the devil’s playground. And he doesn’t play fair. Don’t let him win.

Anything else you would like to add?

Don’t ever let anybody else define you. You are not even who YOU think you are. You’re more than that. The only person who can define you is the one who created you. God. Do yourself a favor and get out of your own way. Let God do the driving. Be comfortable in the passenger seat of your life. Let God mold you into the woman you were born to be. You are beautiful. You are worth it. You can do it. Vigorously chase your dreams and allow failures to propel you into the greatest successes of your life. Be present in every moment. Surround yourself with beautiful souls and feed off of each other. We were not meant to do life alone. Live with purpose and live on purpose.

Social Media:

FB: http://www.facebook.com/InHerOwnWrite
IG and Twitter: @_inherownwrite

Meet Janitha Lawson 8.12.15

So I had this bright idea to feature amazing women of color weekly on my blog. With all this negativity going on in the world, it’s very refreshing to get hit with some positive energy.

The first person that came to my mind to feature is someone I am blessed to call one of my very best friends. But not only is she that, she is much more…she is my sister. I have seen her grow for many years now. She is and will always be an inspiration to me. When I look at her, I see so much strength. So it’s only fitting that she is the very first member of SWV-Sisters with Vision. Meet Janitha Lawson. 🙂

Tell me a little about yourself?

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My name is Janitha Lawson, a native of Tulsa, Oklahoma. My passion is uplifting women and young girls. My dream is to use my story to minister to others through public speaking and writing.

Have you ever dealt with insecurities? If so, how did you overcome them?

Yes I have dealt with insecurities. I was picked on from a very young age for not having hair and it left me with little to no confidence at all. I always felt that I was not good enough and I struggled to make friends growing up. I felt that if I didn’t even like me, why would others like me. I was extremely sensitive and cried all the time. To experience feelings of loneliness and being by yourself is hard for anyone to break through especially a child in elementary.

What does being “perfectly imperfect” mean to you?

Perfectly Imperfect means to me that there is no pressure to get it right. It’s ok to own your imperfections because those “flaws” are what makes up you. So accept it and release the burdens of perfection and the standards set by yourself and society

If you had the chance, what would be one thing you would tell a young girl dealing with low self esteem or insecurities?

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I know it’s hard to love yourself right now. No one may have shown you love or felt you deserved it. But don’t allow anyone or anything to dictate how you feel about you. How you feel about you will ultimately set the standard for how others will feel about you and treat you.

Anything else you want to add?

I have found that surrounding yourself with people that are uplifting and that are positive can help change your mindset. Speaking over yourself combined with supportive people speaking over you cancels out all negative feelings of yourself. But remember it first has to begin with you.

What a wonderful interview from my lovely friend. Do me a favor and follow her on her social media account and check out her blog. 🙂

www.KrowningGlory.blogspot.com

IG/Twitter: @jrenee49

Love,

B